


Tacit

by flootzavut



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Ambiguous Relationship, Angst, Blanket Permission, Episode Related, Episode Tag, Episode: s02e17 Dreadnought, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Unresolved Romantic Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-12
Updated: 2019-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 00:54:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21769165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flootzavut/pseuds/flootzavut
Summary: All he wants to do when they get back is to find Kathryn, to make certain she's all right, to look into her eyes and be sure that she's made it through this latest disaster in one piece.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 24
Kudos: 80





	Tacit

**Author's Note:**

  * For [brevityis](https://archiveofourown.org/users/brevityis/gifts).



* * *

_**Tacit** _

* * *

All he wants to do when they get back is to find Kathryn, to make certain she's all right, to look into her eyes and be sure that she's made it through this latest disaster in one piece. Chakotay is still Starfleet enough that he knows his responsibilities and won't shirk them, that he follows orders even if they crack his heart open, but even as he's making sure everyone is accounted for, there's a voice in the back of his mind that keeps saying _find her, find her, find her_.

Ironically, in the end he doesn't find her so much as they walk into each other around a corner, and it takes him a second to realise the person he's just crashed into is the one he's been searching for ever since he came back on board. If it were anyone else, he'd help them regain their balance and step away; if it were another day, he'd do the same for Kathryn. But it's her, and it's today, and he had to leave her on a ship set to self-destruct, so he gives in to instinct, wrapping his arms around her instead.

She laughs, that little throaty chuckle that takes his legs right out from under him on a regular basis. Pressed into his throat, it's... a lot. "It's all right," she says; he can hear her smile. "B'Elanna came through in the end."

He lets out a long breath. B'Elanna is his crew, he was her captain when she reprogrammed Dreadnought. She's his responsibility. If they'd lost Kathryn because of it...

He can't think about it. He's just glad Kathryn's letting him hold her, not pushing him away and retreating into the professional distance he understands but hates. There's a tremor in her that settles as she relaxes into his body, and that's the only indication she gives of how this has affected her, of how close she came to losing her life.

"Kathryn," he whispers. He never calls her that, it's - it's too personal, too familiar. He can't let himself go there. But in his head, she's been Kathryn ever since she first appeared on his viewscreen and introduced herself. It suits her; that hard, uncompromising K, followed by the gentle thrum of the second syllable. The contradiction is perfect, and it sums her up beautifully. Captain Janeway is his commanding officer; Kathryn is that, but she's so much more besides.

He doesn't say it aloud, though, for so many reasons, and he only allows it once now, so quietly she probably didn't hear it.

Eventually, she straightens up, making no attempt to get out of his space but no longer leaning so hard on him. It's his cue to let her go; to his dismay, he can't seem to.

"Chakotay?"

He nods his head. He can't speak. _If you're okay, I'm okay_ , he thinks, but he's not. He's shaken. It frightens him how easily she put her life in danger. _I can't lose you_.

"Chakotay," she murmurs, "are you all right?"

He takes a deep, shuddering breath, one great gulp of the scent of her hair, then finally loosens his hold on her a little and takes half a step back so he can see her face. He can't let go entirely, not just yet, but grasping her shoulders is less intimate, less desperate.

Her eyes are wide and worried as she searches his expression. "Chakotay?"

It would be wise to say he's fine, to dissemble, but he doesn't think he can and he's unwilling to try. Here and now, only the agonising truth will do. "Please don't send me away like that ever again," he says, voice cracking dangerously. _This is where I belong. With you. By your side_. There are so many things he can't say. So many things he knows she won't let him say, at least not yet. But what he can say, he will, because he has to.

"You know I can't promise you that," she breathes, after an aching pause.

Kathryn Janeway rarely shows weakness, rarely lets anyone see when she's hurting, not even Chakotay, but now, even though her expression hasn't changed, in her eyes there's so much pain.

It's painful to see as well. He wants to hold her close again, but it's one thing in the relief of reunion, when emotions are running high and there's an excuse, when she literally fell into his embrace; it's another to reach for her deliberately.

"Chakotay..." She shakes her head. There's so much he isn't saying, and in moments like this, he thinks there are things she isn't saying either. "You think I don't know?" she asks, answering a question he hasn't voiced but that she understands anyway. "It isn't so very long ago that you were chasing off after the Kazon, leaving me- leaving us a message that you were likely dead and we shouldn't try to rescue you." She says it quietly, no recrimination in her voice.

"It's different."

"Is it?"

They stare at each other. _It's different because I'm in love with you. It's different because I don't think I can do this without you_.

Chakotay's not sure what he's more afraid of if he said that aloud: damaging their friendship, and their working relationship, if she doesn't feel the same, or figuring out how the hell either of them would cope if the feeling is mutual. Captain Janeway is never going to get involved with her first officer, even if she wants to. And Kathryn is a warm, generous woman whose heart is not easily tamed. He never intends to put her in the situation where she has to make that choice, but it's one thing to decide and far more difficult to put into practice.

He shakes his head and offers her a smile.

"You do like to make my life complicated, don't you?" she says with a wry smile of her own, voice now laden with affection. "What would I do without you, Chakotay?"

"Be very bored?"

She laughs, and for a second he has the feeling she's about to kiss his cheek, but then she steps back. It's as if she's stepped quite deliberately into the role of Captain Janeway; the warmth is still there in her eyes and smile, but the rest of her is upright, stiff and determined, and absolutely unreachable.

Chakotay has the almost unbearable urge to pull her close again, to tell her she's beautiful, to spill his love and appreciation out. It isn't the time or the place, but it never is; maybe it never will be.

She takes a deep breath, then to his surprise she lays a hand on his shoulder. "I'm glad you're back," she admits softly; there's a wealth of emotion in those simple words.

Chakotay swallows, nods.

She squeezes once, then her hand drops to her side. "You know what to do," she says in a louder voice.

"Aye aye, Captain." He always does.

_~ fin ~_


End file.
